See That Girl

Do you see that girl? The confident, loud, outgoing one? She wasn’t always like that. In fact, she still isn’t under the surface sometimes. On the outside though, you’d never be able to tell the difference. I know her well.

That girl’s inner demons were, and are, more terrifying then she could have ever imagined, each shaping into mangled and destroyed versions of the things she loves. She told them to go away, but they didn’t listen. Instead, they come in closer, pulling every which way. She screams at the top of her lungs, but no one ever looks up.

On they continue, pulling, digging into her skin, digging and digging until they reach her soul. With that, any protection she once had is gone. She’s nothing but a lifeless puppet without her strings. She walks staring ad the ground as harsh words are thrown at her like knives. But the bullies don’t see the blood they spill and just continue throwing the knives, over and over.

The demons are back, hungry for more, but she has nothing left to give. Angry, the demons begin pulling again, but this time, as they dig into her, they whisper and scream and say things to her. They talk of death and the world.

“The world doesn’t need you… Doesn’t want you…” says one cruel voice.
“You don’t need to live anymore… Nobody cares about you…” another yells

She has become a slave of these voices, these… demons, eating up her life. She does whatever they command of her.

“Just kill yourself…” One last one whispers in her ear. “Then, maybe, we’ll leave you alone… You could finally be happy again.”

She freezes, goose bumps covering every inch of her skin. Her eyes wide, all thoughts of breathing escape her.

“A way out…” she thinks absently. “A way to be free from this never-ending, horrifying Halloween…”

The idea is pulled into her mind, and tattooed on her brain. She waits until she’s all alone. No one to see her, no one to stop her. She has a knife, it’s a little dull, but it’s still sharp. She plans on stabbing herself, over and over again until all breath has left her body and her heart has stopped. She plays her music on shuffle, letting it play what it chooses. She blasts the music loud, shaking walls, for her music had been there when she need most to be protected from the world. She’ll be happier this way, leave the world protected from all its evils.

She pulls her hand back, gripping the knife tightly, preparing for the first strike. The hand with the knife flies towards her. It’s hardly an inch away from her skin when a voice calls out to her, breaking through her trance.

“…Take a step before you leap/ Into the colors that you seek…” it sings.

The voice is soft and kind, and she freezes the knife, just barely avoiding her skin. She thinks about what she’s doing, and who’d it affect, but only for a brief moment. Then, a vision appears before her eyes. She doesn’t know where she is, but it looks to be some kind of cliff, almost one she’d seen in her dreams. Out of nowhere, people appear all around her. Some of the people she recognizes, they are the people who her actions could affect, others she doesn’t, and they look almost kind for a moment, like she’ll know them in time.

Suddenly, they all turn into dark creatures, all reaching for her and grabbing at her. Somehow, she manages to break free, running for her life. Soon, she’s run out of area to run as she reaches the edge of the cliff. She stops dead in her tracks, before she turns to run, but the creatures are surrounding her, coming towards her slowly. She’s trapped. She takes a few steps back. She’s terrified and forgets about the cliff. It crumbles beneath her feet. She looks down in panic and horror, then shoots her head back up at the creatures. In the distance, she can see one person, a normal person, not a creature, running towards her. She doesn’t have enough time to recognize them as the ground beneath her finally gives way.

“No!” She cries out as she begins to fall.

She throws out her arms and legs, flailing for something to grab onto. One hand barely catches the edge of the cliff. She breaths heavily and she’s crying, trying to pull herself up, but she has no strength. She desperately tries to save herself, but her hands are slipping and her legs have nothing to stand on. And she looks down, not seeing the ground anywhere close beneath her. She closes her eyes tightly, holding herself with a freed hand, as the other finally slips, accepting her fate.


Suddenly, she feels a strong grip around her wrist, stopping her fall all together. She looks up, opening her eyes. She sees black painted nails and freckled arms with tattoos. The arms are reaching and pulling her up to safety.

“Not today… It’s not your time…” the voice from earlier speaks again, only this time, the voice is coming from a mouth, connected to a body, connected to the arms that pulled her up.

For the first time, she looks to the face the voice belongs to. She sees a man, older than she. He has black hair, short and slightly styled. Freckles cover almost every inch of his skin and he has distinct grey-blue eyes. He’s wearing a black t-shirt and dark jeans. She hardly recognizes the man. It’s just barely on the tip of her tongue. He smiles warmly at her.

“You’re…-“she begins, before the vision is shattered by bright light.

She closes her eyes out of instinct, and when she opens them again, she’s back in her room. The protecting arms are gone and so is the man. And instead of her gripping the man’s shirt for safety, she holds the knife. She drops the knife, gasping for air, distancing herself away from it. Her music is still playing. Singing is the voice that belongs to the man who just saved her. She presses a button on her iPod and the man’s face appears on the screen. It’s an album cover and it belongs to the first CD she ever bought with her own money.

“… Adam Lambert…” she breaths out, voice cracking.

She puts the knife back in its rightful place, far away from her. She’s crying as she disposes of any evidence of what has happened. She cries for at least two more hours before she gets a hold of herself, acting as though nothing has happened. After that, she lays in her bed, listening to Adam sing for the rest of the day. She doesn’t say a word about what has happened and she won’t for almost a year. It takes all of her courage to finally something to someone.



That same night, she goes to sleep as she listens to his music to fall asleep. She’s dreaming, but at first it takes her a while to realize it. In her dream, she’s laying in a bed, but it’s not her own. She’s broken and crying, thinking only about what had happened that day. She feels a shift on the bed, then she feels someone lying beside her. Familiar arms wrap around her, holding her tightly. They just lay there for a while as she continues to silently cry. Another slight shift, and there’s a short, soft, comforting kiss pressed to her cheek. Another shift and the lips are near her ear.

“Everything will be okay… They will never hurt you again. I won’t let them… I’ll protect you… I promise…” the soft voice says in a voice just above a whisper.

She recognizes the arms and the voice. And for the first time in a while she smiles, really smiles. She finally feels safe. She realizes she is definitely dreaming when she opens her eyes to her own bed room in the middle of the night. There are tear stains on her pillow, and tears on her face, but there’s also a smile, a real smile.
She hasn’t had any dreams or visions quite like that since then, but she knows she’s safe and protected. She has various little things she has, wears, or does that make her continue to feel protected all the time. Her demons have been vanquished, but every once in a while one likes reappear. But she’s not scared of them anymore, for she has been through hell and back. She has built walls to protect herself, and even if they make it through, she’s learned to fight them off, strangling all the breath from them like they tried to do to her. She has been forever changed completely. Maybe, in her eyes this was all meant to be. A new, better version of her was unlocked, and the old version has forever been forgotten.

Now, you may be wondering how I know all these things to be true. Well, you see that girl? The confident, loud, outgoing one? She wasn’t always like that. I know her well. And she fully realizes her hand could have slipped that day, both metaphorically in her vision and physically. If not for that song, that voice, that vision, she would not be where she is today. I know this because that girl…that girl is me.